It has been three days since I last took a look from the bedroom's window. All because I had a terryfing dream. So I am not able to look outside. I cannot see what happens in the streets anymore nor can I listen. I closed the windows as tight as possible so that only very little noises come into my room.
I can stand my fear. I can't stand the idea of letting it go. After all is what I have left. One cannot go on alone into the world. So I hold on to my fears for that is all I know.
It will come to my mind the regret of not trying harder to be braver. It will also come the sadness in missing my life as I knew it. But I am here now, living the present with the tools I carefully picked myself.
Altough what use could they have? I am not leaving this room. It is all too scary outside, all too loud and wild. You may think that since I have some sort of weapons ready I should decide to take a step out. The problem is I only have them but have never learned to hold them right.
So if I have strenght I don't make efforts and if I have will, I don't make decisions. If I have pride I call myself a loser and if I feel love, I burn my heart down.
That is how I live the moment. Inside this cage I try so hard to call my home. Holding on to it because is all well-known and almost dear. It fulfills me with a sense of dreary belonging. Nearly whispering I am his for all eternity, like an imperious father.
I no longer understand whether my clear mind wished to be brought here expecting some order and enlightenment or did my madness took control.